I dealt with much internal turmoil in the first half of 2016. How did I get there? I'm a reasonable person. A forgiving person. A generous person. Maybe that's how. I allowed someone who had hurt me repeatedly back in to my life. Not without hesitation but I feel like we all make mistakes and we all grow from our missteps. I mean, if someone has the courage to come to me, admit how they were wrong, and apologize, who am I to continue to shut them out?
Fast forward to September 2015, I found myself in a position where I had been betrayed by the person. Betrayed and hurt again. But this time, I wasn't surprised by these antics. After all, I invited them in. EYE put myself in the position. I trusted again when I shouldn't have. I learned a tough lesson that cost me. Not only time but money as well.
I know that I can't expect everyone to treat me the way I'd like to be treated. I know everyone wasn't raised the same, but to be slapped in the face with that reality by someone who has been in your house, breaking bread with your family is tough. I had literally been defeated because I wasn't dealing with honest and reasonable person but, deep down, I knew I wouldn't have felt any resolve even if I had won. I typically have no problem cutting people and situations off with the swiftness but this situation really bothered me. I couldn't figure out what the REAL issue. So, I did what I always do. In true scientist fashion, I went to gather data from everyone who knew the details.
I started by immediately re-listening to "The 48 Laws of Power". I would say reading but I've read it already so I listen to it on YouTube while in my office. Multi-tasking. LOL! After listening, I realized what I did wrong and how the situation could've been handled differently for a more positive outcome. When I say positive, I mean, how I could've gotten what I wanted. *shrugs* No shame. The lessons taught in "The 48 Laws Of Power" teach that while you have to be strategic in your actions, sometimes you also have to humble yourself and lose a battle or two in order to win the war. So, I checked myself. It didn't have to end that way but I was more focused on what I thought was right instead of by any means necessary in order to win. BOOM!
Then I talked about it in therapy because knowing how I could've handled the situation differently still didn't fix that nagging feeling. Like, why did this bother me so badly if I saw it coming eventually? Well, my therapist was able to get me to see how I was tying this situation into some other unsettling relationships in my life. It was my "lightbulb" moment. Once I figured that out, I was able to drop that nagging feeling like a hot potato. The biggest weight was lifted from me. It was literally like storm clouds cleared the sky and the sun came shining through, complete with a rainbow and angels singing.
This situation taught me some valuable lessons about myself and human nature. Sometimes people just don't like you. Don't try to figure it out. Their poor taste doesn't diminish your value. It doesn't make you a bad person, a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad mother, a bad daughter, a bad wife.....none of that stuff. Sometimes you don't get closure and you have to be okay with that. Leave it alone. Going back will only result in more hurt. Sometimes you just have to take the gut punches in order to get what you want. Man up. Take it.
That's it. That's all.